Fuku's Decision
by sLL
Summary: Fuku likes someone.... who is it? Will he have the courage to tell him? **YAOI** Written from Fuku's POV... one-shot


Disclaimer: I don't own the Slam Dunk Boys... but I own the plot, the story and the poem in italics.   
  
**Author's note:** Waaa, it's my first time writing a story like this! ^.^ Inspired by Ju's beautiful story 'An Image of His Mind'! ^.^ One-shot... tell me honestly what you think! Enjoy!   
  
**Decision **  
by: sLL   
  
**Fukuda**

I had a feeling I was being watched. But strangely, it didn't creep me out. It was familiar. Warm. Comforting, even. My neck muscles itched to turn. //No, you'll regret it if you do!// I told myself. Yet, the feeling bugged me persistently, like a mosquito. How I longed to swat the feeling away. Unfortunately, I couldn't help it. I turned to the direction of the gaze. I caught my breath as I looked into those deep brown eyes.  
  
_ Looking at me  
Those beautiful large eyes  
Again.  
I hold your gaze for a moment  
The corners of your mouth curve up.  
I look away.  
_

//Damn.// I cursed mentally as I looked away. There it was. That feeling again. What did he have against me? Why did he have to do this to me all the time? I turned and looked out of the window. I could feel that stare again. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.   
  
_ Of all people  
Why me?  
I've nothing special  
I'm just your average guy  
Why me?  
_

I felt his presence beside me. //Kuso.. how did he reach here so fast?// I resisted the urge to take off and run away... far, far away from here. This stupid airless library. Why does he have to go to the same library as me? Why can't he study somewhere else? 

"Fukky... wanna go for lunch?" his voice penetrated my thick skull. My stomach churned. Caterpillars metamorphosed into little butterflies in my stomach as I felt his warmth right beside me. I looked down at the book I was supposed to be reading and pretended to be engrossed in it. I lifted my hand to turn the page. //Forget him.// I told myself. Suddenly, a hand took mine before it could touch the paper. I looked at the small white hand covering mine. Warmth spread over my skin like wildfire. My skin tingled all over.   
  
_ I've ignored you  
Why continue?  
So many questions fill my head  
No answers lie ahead  
_

//Pull your hand away.// my common sense told me. Yet, I couldn't. I just sat there, staring transfixed at the smooth white skin touching mine. My eyes longed to look up, but I controlled myself. 

"Fukky... wanna go for lunch?" his voice sounded again. That voice broke through all my barriers. I looked up. My breathing became shallow. Those beautiful brown eyes again... Like swirling brown pools of chocolate... so many different shades of brown... this time I could see myself in them. So beautiful... //No, don't lose your self-control!// my common sense invaded my thoughts. I tore my eyes away from them but was drawn to his face instead. Childish innocence radiated from his features. His immensely smooth, soft, fair skin seemed to glow like an angel's. A questioning look was on his face. I willed myself to breathe normally. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. //You can't act like this...//my common sense's final words sounded through my head before it died away. 

I stood up. He smiled at me. Suddenly, the whole library seemed brighter. It was like... my world was lighted up by his smile. The corners of my mouth started to turn up. Suddenly, I could hear a very dim voice at the back of my brain. What was it? I strained to hear it. //Musn't...// I could hear a ghost of my common sense faintly. Oh, no! The thought struck me like lightning. I tore my eyes away from his face, my hand away from his and continued walking. I almost let my guard down. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face. I knew disappointment was written all over it. 

He walked into a beautiful, quiet restaurant, where there were no other customers. Just us. He sat down at a table and looked at me expectantly. Under his stare, I was powerless to resist. I pulled out the chair and sat opposite him. His gaze never wavered once from my face. He opened his mouth to speak. "Fukky... have you ever thought about what it's like to be in love?"   
  
_ You know something?  
I've got a secret.  
You'll never know this  
But I like you.  
_

//Fukky... have you ever thought about what it's like to be in love?// the words echoed through my head. I swallowed hard. You wouldn't believe how many times I've wondered exactly that. How many times I've considered trying it. But I'm never going to. Never ever. Noticing the waiter from the distant corner of my eye, I signaled for him to come take our order. 

As we took our orders, I could feel his intense gaze on me once more. I ignored it and gave the menu back to the waiter. As the waiter walked away, I played with my cold glass of water on the table, making clear patterns in its condensation. The dimness of the restaurant made my senses sharper as I pretended to be deep in thought. I became acutely aware of how romantic the surroundings really were. We sat at a small table for two, lighted just by one small candle in a transparent glass holder. Other tables around us were lighted the same way, and the added quality of the furniture giving the perfect atmosphere for love. 

"Fukky... answer my question," he persisted.   
  
_ Like, I said.  
Not love.  
I could never love...  
_

I looked at him. At his short brown hair, messy and sticking up in all directions as always. His sweet, innocent face. His smooth, white skin. It took all my self control not to let myself look further. "Why?" I asked, talking for the first time that day. 

"Because... I want to know..." his eyes looked into mine with more intensity than I had ever seen before.   
  
_ Why did you have to pick me?  
Why did you have to be so persistent?  
Why don't you ever give up?  
_

He'd looked into my eyes so many times already. Countless times when he'd talk me out of my shell and get me to open up even just a little bit. But today was different. Today his eyes were determined, strong. As if he had made up his mind about something. 

"Is it really that important to you?" I asked him. I looked at him, waiting for his reaction. He looked away from me for a moment. I was a little taken aback.. it was the first time that ever happened. Suddenly, his gaze was back. 

"Yes," he replied, nodding his head slightly. Under the table, our legs brushed against each other. Warmth spread through me again. I didn't pull away. His eyes lit up and he smiled.   
  
_ Why do you keep looking at me with those beautiful eyes?  
Why do your eyes have to be the most beautiful I've ever seen?  
And most of all  
Why do you have to be so darn adorable?  
_

"Yeah, I have..." I said softly. The question entered my head again. What IS it like to be in love? How would it feel to really, truly love and care about someone so much that you would do anything to make him happy? How would it feel to wake up every morning and feel warm all over, like you'll never be lonely again? 

He was quiet for a few moments. "Have you ever considered falling in love?" he asked again. We looked at each other. Both of us understood the hidden meaning in the question, the unspoken words 'with me' at the back. Just then, the waiter appeared with our orders. I blushed slightly and dug into my food, hoping the light was dim enough to hide it. I thought about it as we ate in silence. I think he sensed that I was really thinking about it, as he was quiet. For once, he didn't look at me. 

Falling in love? It was exactly what I didn't want to do. I didn't want to go through the pain and suffering when you lose someone you love. But... from the day I had admitted my feelings for him to myself... I had considered it... I guess. I considered it many times. I knew he had feelings for me too, so I didn't need to fear rejection. What had kept me from allowing myself to fall in love, I guess, was the fear of hurt if the one you love leaves. The loneliness the next morning when you realise you're alone once more. The empty, cold feeling you get when you realise you'll never feel the touch of his skin again... the warmth, the companionship... It'd be like living torture in cold, dark hell after a minute of true happiness and pure contentment in heaven. 

As I took my last few bites, I debated over whether to tell him the truth. As I swallowed my last bite, I made my decision. I took a sip of water. He was already looking at me expectantly. 

"No," I said, looking away from him. I know I'm a coward but I'd rather forsake the true happiness and bliss I could experience for the assurance that I won't suffer a living hell. Never experience the ultimate low of emotions. Of course, I wouldn't experience the ultimate high, either, but I guess it would be worth it... 

He was silent. Too silent. Normally he wouldn't keep silent this long after I spoke. I looked at his face. He was trembling. And his normally wide, happy eyes were slightly red... he looked as if he was going to cry. My heart felt like it was torn in two. I never meant for him to be hurt. I had to do something! "I'm sorry..." I said softly, trying to make him feel better.   
  
_ Sometimes you make me feel shy  
You're the only person who can  
And that's why now I'm living a lie  
And I'll guard this secret  
Forever...  
_

He glared at me and stood up angrily, knocking his chair down in the process. "Fukky, you baka!" he yelled. I was shocked. Rooted to my seat. I'd never seen him so angry before... his eyes practically shot daggers at mine. Deep inside me, a feeling stirred. It was a strange, unpleasant feeling... I didn't like it. 

"Don't you understand? Don't you know why I've acted like this for so long? If you didn't like me, you should've rejected me from the start! Why did you respond to me? Did you want to see me suffer in a sadistic way? Well, you succeeded. Happy now? You insensitive baka yarou, I HATE YOU!" he yelled the last part so loud the water glass I was still clenching in my fist shattered into a million pieces. Blood poured out of my cuts as I looked at my hand. Jin stood there a few seconds more and slapped some money down on the table to pay for his food. He burst into tears and ran out. 

I was too shocked to move. His speech replayed itself in my mind. //You insensitive baka yarou, I HATE YOU!// his words pierced through my heart, shattering it to pieces. I looked at the blood on my hand again. Strangely, my hand felt nothing. All the pain I felt, the immeasurable pain which I felt came from my heart. My whole body felt heavy and I felt emotions like never before as I remembered his tear-streaked face. Guilt, sadness, anger, a sore dull ache and many, many more feelings combined coursed through my veins. I had never experienced so many emotions before at one time, and god... it was terrible. Slowly,I came to my senses. 

Slapping down my money on the table, I ran out the door. In the distance, I could see his slight figure running off. I ran hard for all I was worth. //I swear on my life, I'll catch up with you...// I swore mentally as I ran after him, my legs pumping up and down crazily. In front, I could see him slowing down. //Good, he's tired...// 

I ran over to him just as he turned his head around. Our eyes met. His eyes widened and he made as if to run again, but I grabbed his arm before he could. He turned his head away from me. I could see crystalline water droplets running down his right cheek as he failed to hide his whole face from my view. His refusal even to look at me made me feel even worse than I had before. I couldn't stand it anymore. I made a decision. My heart beat faster than it ever had before. Maybe it was from running, maybe it was from the realisation of what I was about to do. I didn't care. I grabbed his other arm, turning his whole body towards me so he would be forced to look at me. "Gomen... I lied to you..." I said softly, looking into his eyes.   
  
_ But maybe...  
Just maybe  
I'll let it go  
Just to see you smile once more...  
_

"Daisuki..." At my words, that beautiful head turned around towards me, looking at me with those wide, innocent eyes once more. As his lips formed into a smile, I felt all the pain and all my earlier emotions disappearing, only to be replaced with a special type of warmth and happiness. The kind of warmth you get when you make the one you love most in the world happy. The kind of happiness only available when you look into the eyes of the one you love and know that they feel the same way too.   
  
_ Maybe it's time for me to open up  
Maybe it's time for me to finally experience  
The ultimate joy and happiness  
Of loving a person so much you would die to see them smile...  
_

And as he burst into tears of happiness, I wrapped my arms around him, enveloping him in a hug. "Daisuki, Fukky, daisuki..."he whispered between sobs, into my shirt. My hand throbbed slightly and I realised all the cuts were healed and all the pain was gone, from my hand and from my heart. A feeling of contentment came over me as we lay there on the soft, green grass in silence, he in my arms, his occasional sniffle the only sound breaking through the tranquil serenity of the perfectness of that moment. And as I looked at his serene, happy face resting on my chest, I realised what I was feeling and I knew... I knew I wouldn't give this moment up for all the suffering in the world.   
  
_ As Shakespeare once said,  
'It is better to have loved and lost  
Than never to have loved before'  
I didn't understand that earlier  
But I understand now.  
Jin Souichirou,  
Aishiteru.  
_   
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Owari~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
***Kuso-**Dammit  
***Gomen -**I'm sorry  
***Daisuki-** I like you  
***Aishiteru -** I love you  



End file.
